Rome, Italy, January 9th, Chance and I made an acquaintance with a fellow named Felix, we drank with him for the evening, and spent the large fee of an $80 cab ride home. I woke up the morning of January 10th with the inevitable ringing in my head, but an unexpected punch in the gut. Chance nudged me awake.
“Hey... David Bowie’s dead. ”
I gave him a hard nudge back, my initial response being, "Stop. No." like it was a joke he could un tell, an insult he could take back. After a few baffled moments, and I lowered my hands from cupping my mouth, we would just lay there in the dark of the morning, not contributing more to the topic other than, "I can't believe it".
“Time takes a cigarette, puts it in your mouth ”
I was 17 flipping through the Bowie section at HMV, and came across Ziggy, an album that got my utmost attention for years to come. It's a classic introduction to Bowie. I'm 17 years old, of course in that "I'm an alien on planet earth and no one understands me" phase. Recently having purchased my first car, a cheap and reliable '03 Sunfire. White. The emptiest of colours. And a CD player. I'd make my rounds of all the sickly familiar roads of my home town (city). The snow looks like the sky, and the sky looks like the snow, and I'm feeling the brunt of teenaged angst. The despising of my home town, and I feel alone. Who better than David Bowie himself, to send chills up my spine, driving down an other wise unmemorable city street. He punches out this line and I feel some type of communion, for the first time in a long time.
“Oh no love, you’re not alone!”
"You're watching yourself but you're too unfair/ You got your head all tangled up/ But if I could only make you care." Despite chalking up feeling depressed/anxious to teenaged hormones, I still validate those feelings and the influence music had, and has, on mental health, mine included. I've been hard on myself, I still am. But it's songs like these that ingrain a message to get out of your head, and see yourself as a whole person, full of not only mistakes and flaws, but the positive aspects that balance out the human condition.
"Oh no love! You're not alone/ No matter what or who you've been/ No matter when or where you've seen/ All the knives seem to lacerate your brain/ I've had my share, I'll help you with the pain/ You're not alone!" There's an everlasting influence embedded into these songs, this one in particular still speaks to me in varied ways, the older I get. When I was younger, I was comforted by being "too young to choose it." Whatever "it" was, is up for interpretation for anyone. Mine was feeling/being weird, a desire to be expressive, yet ashamed for vocalizing it. Whatever "it" was for you, "it" helped me find peace with who I was. It's difficult being in high school, as many people can tell you, when you feel cut off from a world that might understand you better than your peers. When you feel like you're wasting your time on subjects and standardized tests that only serve to be little your intelligence of your true passions. Where maybe my only escapes were an hour in music or a computer class. These songs were a light at the end of the tunnel, someone who made it through or past these obstacles has a message for you, just to hold on a little longer.
It's February 8th, 2017. It was just over a year ago we were in Rome, and we found out David Bowie had passed on. His words still adapt to where I am now, even in this song. "You're too old to lose it." I'm at a cross roads in this point of my life. Am I willing to compromise "it" for a more stable and secure path? I reckon not. I'm going to take those words to heart, the ones that deliver a message of ceasing the mindset that i'm not good enough, and what I have to offer is of no value. I've come this far, why not continue living a life that is true to spontaneity, refusal of a mundane life, and living over security. David's influence lives on in any moment I say yes to my true self, and advance towards a light I heard about years ago, ringing out of those crackly speakers in my '03 Sunfire.